April Fools
by Arlath's Star
Summary: The Torchwood team's unique sense of humour makes April Fools Day an event to be dreaded - perhaps even more so this year than most.
1. Chapter 1

**You can't say I don't fulfil my promises!**

**This was originally meant to be a oneshot. As you can probably tell from the way it now has a prologue, this didn't quite work out. In fact, it now has seven chapters, which says a lot about how good my estimations are.**

**What with exams and revision and uni applications and all the rest of it I'm afraid I still haven't got around to making enough money to buy the rights to Torchwood. So the characters still don't belong to me – they're just borrowed. When I've finished maltreating them I will send them back. Well, apart from maybe one or two… (Or five, possibly) **

Prologue

_Tuesday 31__st__ March_

The Hub was shutting down for the night.

Tosh and Gwen were already gone; Owen and Ianto were on their way out. Jack, however, had other plans.

"Owen! Ianto!"

Grumbling, Owen put his coat back down and headed over to his boss's side, wondering what on earth they were wanted for now. Ianto looked almost as perplexed. "Sir?"

"I know I'm going to regret saying this, but do you know what day it is tomorrow?"

"Wednesday. And why can't you just look at the calendar?"

Ianto waited for Owen to stop moaning and then supplied the answer Jack was looking for. "April fool's day, sir."

"Exactly! One of the best traditions in the galaxy! And do you know what that means?"

"We should all avoid coming into work tomorrow?"

"No, Ianto. It means that we have to think up something for the newbie!"

Ianto froze, all the horrors of last year rushing back, then relaxed when he remembered that he was no longer the 'new kid' at Torchwood. Meanwhile Owen's grin had got even larger – if that were possible – as he took in what was being said. "Gwen?"

"Yep! So – what's the plan?"

"You mean you haven't got a plan?" Ianto sounded slightly surprised.

"Well, I have a few ideas…"

"Lock her in a cell with a weevil."

"Thank you, Owen, but I'm afraid that may be taking it a bit too far." Jack paused. "Ianto, have you got any ideas that don't involve seriously injuring anyone?"

Ianto was busy making a mental note not to go anywhere near the cells tomorrow morning whilst Owen was around. "Sorry? Oh – can't we just send her off on some wild goose chase somewhere?"

"Excellent plan!" Jack enthused, having already put the idea down on his own list. They hadn't used that one for a few years now. "Where?"

"Err… There are some empty warehouses across the city from here. Huge places. Attics, cellars, everything. You could spend hours searching for imaginary aliens in them." Ianto smiled slightly at the thought of Gwen hunting in vain.

"We'll need to make sure we can access her comms from there." Owen remarked, grinning widely. "I _really_ want to hear what she says when she finally works out it was all a hoax."

"I'll sort something." said Jack confidently. "I'll give her a briefing tomorrow, if you'll sort out some fake sightings reports, Ianto."

"Will do, sir." Ianto promised. "Oh – and do we need to tell Tosh anything?"

"No, we'll just let her know when she comes in." Jack wasn't really sure that Tosh would appreciate this kind of thing – she certainly hadn't when it had been her turn. "So, is that all sorted?"

There were nods from the other two. Owen seemed to be on the verge of bouncing up and down in anticipation, and even Ianto looked to be holding back a grin at the thought of the next day. Jack grinned too as he watched them go. He'd get them as well, just you wait.

**And you have to wait too, I'm afraid. But not for long. **

**Please review – it'll take my mind off the revision. Perhaps long enough for me to get down to some writing….? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Happy April Fools day! Fortunately for me, my siblings haven't even remembered that it's today, and I didn't bother reminding them. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell them that it's April fools day… Ok, so I'm just mean. **

**Thanks to my reviewers (ooh, I love saying that): Marian Locksley, milady dragon, the darkness revealed, specialfrancine, Alibrandi, gernumblies, L.A.H.H. and Ravenja70. Really really thanks – I love reviews! Reviews = more story + happy Beth. **

Chapter 1

_Wednesday 1__st__ April _

"Oh god!" Gwen jumped as her mobile started ringing, jerking her out of her breakfast reverie. She made an apologetic face at Rhys as she picked it up, followed by an annoyed one as she saw who the call was from.

"Work, eh?" Rhys asked as he put his own plate of toast down on the table, but Gwen didn't answer.

"Hi Jack."

"_Hi Gwen. Look, things are a little busy down here right now, so I need you to check something out for me."_

"Err, yeah, ok."

***

Back in the Hub, Owen sniggered slightly as Jack played Gwen's side of the conversation over the speakers.

***

"_Ianto's been getting reports of some sightings over at some disused warehouses over in Splott. Apparently some dog walker saw something – no description, by the way - and got scared. Doesn't sound like anything dangerous, but I'd take your gun just in case."_

"Yeah, fine. I can be onto it in…" Gwen glanced at her watch. "About half an hour?"

"_That's great. I'll send you the coordinates now. Thanks Gwen."_

Gwen put the phone down as Jack hung up. Her husband looked at her curiously as she began shovelling down the remains of her breakfast. "So…?"

"Another bloody reconnaissance mission." Gwen dropped her spoon and grabbed her bag and car keys. "But it sounds like they need me back at the Hub straight after, so I'd better be off."

"What time will you be back?"

"Oh, I don't know. Before breakfast tomorrow?"

"I'll cook dinner tonight then, shall I?"

"That'd be great, yeah." Gwen dropped a kiss on Rhys' head as she hurried past. "Got to go."

"Bye, then!" he called after her and was rewarded by the sound of the flat door slamming shut.

***

In reality, the only thing Jack, Owen and Ianto were busy with was cracking up laughing.

"She fell straight for it!" Owen gasped.

"Hook, line and sinker." Ianto agreed. "Oh, hi Tosh."

"Hello." Tosh looked at them carefully. "What are you up to?"

Jack gave her a secretive smile, and was about to explain, when Owen opened his mouth first, looking very guilty.

"Err… Tosh?"

"What, Owen?"

"Err, I sort of broke your computer…"

"Very funny, Owen, but you're not getting me that easily." Tosh walked past the little group towards her desk.

"Actually…" Ianto began, "he _did_ break you computer. You see, he was trying to pour a bucket of water over me, but I dodged and…"

Ianto's explanation was interrupted by a scream of fury which sounded more like it came from Myfanwy than from Tosh. "Owen!"

***

Gwen drew the car to a stop and looked up at the building looming above her. She checked the map – this was definitely the place. Maybe Jack hadn't realised quite how large it was. It looked pretty ancient too; from the outside she could see that most of the windows had the glass smashed in, and the whole pace had a rundown look. She was willing to bet that no one had been inside in years. And all that, of course, made it the perfect lair for all kinds of alien riffraff.

She checked to make sure that she had her gun, torch and comms and walked up to the door. It had a warning sign on it, saying that the building was structurally unsound. Gwen ignored it – it was probably just there to deter trespassers. If the building really _was _unsafe Jack would have told her. She was about to give the door a good hard kick when she noticed that it was slightly ajar anyway. Taking a deep breath she switched on her comms.

"Jack, I'm going in."

***

"Ok. Keep us informed if you find anything. And be careful." Jack signed out before Gwen had time to pick up on Owens sniggers over the comms.

Tosh's eyes narrowed suspiciously as she looked up from the rewiring she was doing. "That's what you were laughing about, wasn't it? You're playing games with Gwen."

"Excellent detective work, Miss Sato!"

"And PC Cooper doesn't suspect one bit." Owen gloated. "What's up?" he asked mockingly, seeing the expression on Tosh's face harden. "Is it too cruel, or something?"

Tosh shrugged. She didn't really care what they were all up to right now. She had better things to do. Fixing her computer, for a start.

***

Gwen shone her torch up the flight of dusty stairs and then along the shadowy corridor. There were five floors - she'd counted outside. Maybe cellars too. And she had to check them all. Sighing, she started walking down the long corridor, resolving to search the first floor first then work up.

***

"Coffee, sir?"

"No thanks, Ianto. I'm sure it'll have sun cream in it, or some other humorous flavouring."

"Sun cream, sir? Wherever did you get that idea from?"

***

Doing a few mental calculations in her head Gwen worked out that this room was at least the twentieth she had searched. And with at least another twenty more to go on this floor alone and another five floors… that made nearly two hundred rooms. She really, really hoped that there weren't cellars as well.

"How long before she works it out, do you think?" Owen asked as he swivelled round in his chair.

Jack shrugged. "She must have been there nearly an hour by now… How big is it, Ianto?"

"Quite big, sir. But I'd be expecting an angry call from her quite soon."

***

Gwen brushed her hair out of her eyes with dusty fingers. The atmosphere in the building was really beginning to freak her out. It was getting to the stage where she'd almost be glad to find something, just to bring the waiting to an end. And the feeling in the pit of her stomach – the one that was telling her that something was very, very wrong – was growing. One more room, she promised herself. One more room and then we'll call the others to check that… well, to check that this isn't just a false alarm.

She pushed open the door, and was instantly hit by a smell she knew only too well. Dead meat, of some sort or another. It was probably just a dead rat, but her hand tightened on her torch anyway. With her other hand she drew her gun out of her pocket, and cautiously began to approach the pile of cobwebbed packing crates on the other side of the room.

She never reached them.

* * *

**Somewhere in between me starting this story and actually getting this far it somehow turned into a horror story instead of a comedy. I don't really mind, since I was intending to try writing horror at some point anyway. So no apologies for the cliff-hanger. **

**Oh, and someone please tell me whether or not the switching viewpoints thing works or not. I'm a bit uncertain about it myself. And about the cliff-hanger. And about most of the rest of the story, really. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh, thank you thank you thank you so much for all the lovely reviews! According to them (on the whole) you like viewpoint-switching, can just about cope with cliff-hangers and really, really love sun-cream references. And those wonderful people were: L.A.H.H., gernumblies, thedeejay, the darkness revealed, Jooles34, Ravenja70, Marian Locksley, milady dragon, Alibrandi, specialfrancine and Firestorm97. **

**Sorry this took so long to put up. I was distracted by my new music book – 1000 Irish fiddle tunes – which I am sure you appreciate takes priority. **

Chapter 2

As she crossed the room the ancient floorboards gave way beneath her feet and suddenly the only thing she was stood on was thin air.

***

"Jack!"

"What?"

Owen's angry face appeared round the corner.

"A whoopee-cushion's bloody childish, did you know that?"

"It wasn't me!"

"Ianto! Why the hell did you put that bloody thing on my chair?"

"What?"

"Alright, I confess. It was me. April fools, Owen!"

"I'll get you later, Harkness! I swear!"

"Just you try Owen, just you try. You haven't got long left anyway."

***

Among the crash of falling wood and the pattering of dust there is small snap and a sharp cry of pain.

Gwen dragged herself out of the pile and tried to check her leg. She didn't need Owen to tell her that she'd just broken it. She tried to move it, experimentally. "Shit!"

Suddenly there was another noise in the darkness; a short harsh animal sound. Trembling, Gwen quickly turned on the torch (miraculously still in her hand) and shone it round the room. She let out a breath of relief when the pool of light fell on what turned out only to be a cat. She inched her way over to see what was wrong with it, but when she got there she had to look away.

It had been half-eaten, almost as though something's left it for later. But it was still alive. Just.

Gwen swallowed, trying not to panic. There was something else down here.

She shone the torch around; checked every corner. There was a door, and the entrance to a tunnel of some sort, but no gun. It could be under the rubble, she realised, or maybe she'd dropped it upstairs. Pulling herself back over, she scrabbled around desperately underneath the rubble, but she couldn't find it. But then she had a sudden surge of joy and relief as her fingers closed around her comms.

***

"_Jack!"_

"Yes, Gwen?" Jack grinned at the others as they all started to listen in. "how are you doing?"

"_Jack, you've got to come quick, please! The floor fell in and I've broken my leg and and… I think there's something else down here, Jack. And I've lost my gun and…"_

"So, you've discovered our little April fool, then?"

"_What? No, Jack, please, listen…"_

"I was listening. You fell through the floor, broke your leg, lost your gun but not your comms and now you're being hunted down by an unknown creature. Sorry, Gwen, but you're going to have to try harder than that."

"_I'm serious! Look, this isn't some stupid joke, I really have…" _

"God, Gwen, just get over the fact that you fell for it!" Owen butted in. "There's no way you're ever going to trick us back as childishly as that, so if you think we're coming to 'rescue' you you've got something else coming."

"_Owen!"_

Jack pressed a button and cut the connection. "I say we just leave her to stew for a while. See how long it takes her to work out we're not coming. Meanwhile, does anyone want to help me clean the weevils out?"

"Yeah right, Harkness. I'm not as gullible as Gwen."

***

Gwen swore, then quickly brought her voice back down. She couldn't be too loud down here or… Desperately she fiddled with her comms in the half-light of the torch to try and speak to Tosh instead.

"Tosh…"

"_Gwen? Is this the prank you called the others about?"_

"No, please…"

"_Look, Gwen, I'm busy at the moment. Owen's crashed my computer, and well, basically everything is a bit of a mess right now. So just leave it with the others, ok?"_

"Tosh…"

But she had hung up.

***

"Jack, please will you come and remove this bucket of water from its precarious perch above this door?"

Owen swore quietly to himself as he overheard Ianto's accusation. The bucket-of-water-trick really wasn't working well for him today.

***

There was no phone signal. She tried and tried. And when she finally reached the door and managed to pull herself up to get hold of the handle it was firmly locked. She tried kicking it with her good leg, all the while horribly aware of the amount of noise she was making, but it remained shut. And there was no way she could possibly get back through the hole in the ceiling.

There was nothing to do but sit in the corner nearest the door, her back to the wall, as far away from the cat and the tunnel entrance as possible, grasping her torch and the broken bit of wood that was the best weapon she could find, and try to call them again.

"Jack? Please, Jack, the door's locked. I can't get out…"

"_Any signs of the monster yet? What colour is it?" _

"There's a half-eaten cat on the floor, Jack!"

"_Hey, that's quite good, Gwen. Remind me to call you next time we need a cover story."_ Click.

***

"Tosh, listen to me please…"

"_I'm trying to repair the motherboard, Gwen. I don't suppose you'd mind leaving me alone and wasting somebody else's time?" _Click.

***

"Ianto…"

"_Sorry, I'm busy right now. Could do with a hand back here, as a matter of fact. Got some files for you to sort out." _Click.

***

"Owen! Help me, please!"

"_Gwen? Are you ok?" _Owen actually sounded concerned.

"I'm trapped in something's larder, Owen! And I can't run, or hide anywhere, or defend myself properly!" Gwen took a deep breath and tried to keep her voice calm.

"_Where are you?"_

"In a cellar somewhere, I think. I fell through the floor of the room above."

"_Are you badly hurt?"_

"Just my right leg. I can't move it. Look – you've got to come and get out of here soon before whatever this thing is comes back!" Gwen checked the tunnel entrance yet again.

"_Before 12 o clock, you mean?" _

"What? No, just as soon as possible!"

"_You're quite a good little actress, you know that Gwen? I suppose it's cos of all that practice you do lying to Rhys. Why don't you try ringing him and seeing if he falls for it? Cos I'm not going to." _Click.

***

The Rift alert blared out across the Hub, bringing Jack, Owen and Ianto running upstairs.

"Tosh! What's happening?"

"What?" Tosh emerged from beneath her desk and pressed a few buttons. The alarm stopped. "Nothing happened. I just accidentally tripped the alarm whilst I was trying to… Well, you wouldn't understand what I was trying to do if you're too obtuse to know that pouring a bucket of water over a computer isn't good for it."

Owen screwed up his forehead. "Is this an April Fools?"

Tosh looked puzzled. "No. I'm not playing your stupid games, if you hadn't noticed. Now, if you don't mind…" She turned her attention back to her work.

Jack grinned. "We seem to be doing a really good job of annoying the girls today!"

***

The cat cried plaintively, calling out for help. Gwen would have gone over, but she didn't want to leave her corner and the little protection it offered. She had already toyed with the idea of searching the rubble for her gun again, but she knew deep down that if it was there she would have found it the first time.

The cat made the noise again, Gwen registering dully that they were both in the same boat. But they still had a chance, if they could hold on long enough. The others had to come eventually – they had to. And it wasn't long now until twelve o clock. Presuming they could last that long.

Opposite her, in the pure darkness of the tunnel entrance, a pair of orange eyes reflected the glow of the torch.

**Um, yes, that was another cliff-hanger. My apologies to all those who don't like them. And I have to admit that I'm even more uncomfortable with this chapter, despite all your reassurance. I may stick to humour in the future. But for now I'm just going to ignore my misgivings, post this and go and wake the neighbours up with a few more reels. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Another huge load of thanks to my reviewers: Ravenja70, milady dragon, I I I Jemm I I I, Marian Locksley, specialfrancine, lollzie, L.A.H.H., gernumblies and Steph! I was especially amused by all the comments about Gwen – more on that later. But for now… **

Chapter 3

"Owen!"

"What?"

"That is sick, that is just completely sick!"

"What is it, Ianto?"

"He's gone and stored a load of alien body parts in the fridge, Jack! And they're not even on the meat shelf!"

"April fools, Ianto!"

"Owen! You are cleaning that fridge out now!"

"I don't suppose that's an April Fools…?"

Ianto glanced at his watch and allowed his tension level to drop a little. "Nope. Sorry, Owen. It's just past midday. You'll find the cleaning equipment in the cupboard down there. Yes, the one by the armoury! Honestly, have you never cleaned anything round here before?" Ianto turned back to Jack. "Shall I call Gwen back?"

Jack nodded. "Yeah, do that. Tell her it's getting silly and I'm ordering her back now."

***

She couldn't see what they were, but she could tell that there was more than one. She could see the eyes, glowing. They didn't seem to have noticed her yet.

"_Gwen?" _

Gwen jumped slightly as Ianto's voice came in over the comms. She cupped her hand over the earpiece – his voice sounded so loud.

"_It's past twelve, and_ _Jack says it's getting silly. He wants you back. Now." _Ianto paused. _"Are you there, Gwen?" _

***

"She won't reply!" Ianto shouted over his shoulder to Jack.

"Probably wants to scare us into thinking she's dead or something." Owen replied from where he was reluctantly scrubbing out the fridge.

"I can hear her breathing."

***

_Shit._ Could anything else? Gwen tried to calm her breathing down. It was hard. Her leg was throbbing, and every time she moved the slightest bit lances of pain shot up it. She was hiding the torch's light, but she could just make out shadowy shapes slinking over to where the cat was lying. The air in the cellar smelt even more rank than before, the scent of fear adding to the mix. Ianto was talking again.

***

"She's gone quieter now."

Owen laughed. "Heard what you said, I bet. Hey, Gwen!" He turned his comms on. "Pretending you're dead won't work. And anyway – you're the fool now! So get your sorry arse back here!"

***

Gwen closed her eyes. In the background she could hear the… No, she didn't even want to think about what was happening to the cat. But she didn't want to listen to Owen either.

***

"What's she doing now?" Jack called.

Ianto shrugged. "Just trying to breathe quietly. There's something else in the background, but I can't tell what."

Jack clicked on his own earpiece. "Gwen, I want you back here now. There's work to do, and if your ego's hurt then tough. Otherwise you can sit out there all day. Your choice." There was no reply, so he signed off.

***

It was deathly silent in the cellar, apart from the sound of gnawing and a faint snarling and the rapid beat of her own heart. She thought she could hear someone else breathing over the comms, but she wasn't sure.

Then the other noise stopped and the only sound was her heartbeat. Far, far too loud.

And she swore the shadows were getting nearer. Like they were creeping up on her. Surrounding her.

She clutched her bit of wood, but she already knew that one rotten chunk of floorboard was not going to help her. Desperately she swung the torch beam round, and saw the murky shapes vanish back into the shadows, shrinking away from the light. She was safe - as long as the torch battery lasted.

***

Ianto listened carefully to the slight hitch in Gwen's breathing, trying to work out what was going on. A little seed of doubt was starting to form in his mind. He switched off the comms.

"Jack?"

"What?"

"Oh, nothing really. I was just wondering… What did Gwen say to you?"

"Something about being trapped in a cellar with a broken leg and a dying cat." Jack sounded very disparaging.

"Oh. Right."

***

She wished she had a gun.

She wished she had a spare torch.

She wished she had more batteries.

She wished she had painkillers.

She wished she had chosen to start searching on a different floor.

She wished there was phone signal.

She wished it was any other day.

She wished she'd said goodbye to Rhys properly.

She wished they would believe her.

***

Ianto cradled his head in his hands, trying to remember the sound he had heard in the background. Had it sounded anything like a cat? Part of him said; no, it was just Gwen being silly. And Gwen could be like that, yes. But spending that long sulking?

He searched their data base for reports on the warehouse they'd dispatched Gwen too. No reports of strange occurrences at all – in fact the last reference to it anywhere was in a council report saying that it was due for demolition, as it was structurally unsound. Maybe that was where he had heard about it. There weren't even any reports of missing cats in the area that he could find.

But the niggling feeling still remained.

***

The torch beam was getting gradually fainter. How long had she had it on for? Several hours, give or take. And how long before they came looking? And even if they did come looking, how many hours would it take them to find her? She scrunched herself up tighter into the wall, biting her lip to stop herself crying out at the pain in her leg.

They weren't going to come looking. Jack had said so himself.

**Ok, quick poll: Who wants Gwen to be eaten? And who would rather she was rescued? Or of course there is also the huge range of possibilities in between, going from 'slightly injured' to 'severely mauled' (for all you Gwen-haters out there who really want her to suffer).**

**Her future is in your hands… **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so, so much to Ravenja70, NikkieSheepie, the darkness revealed, thedeejay, gernumblies, milady dragon, Marian Locksley, DoctorWhoXTorchwood, specialfrancine, L.A.H.H., Steph, gurugirl, Alibrandi, Jooles34 and Georgiexx for reviewing! As to whether your pleas were heard… well, wait and see. **

**Yeah, yeah, you're here to take delight/share in Gwen's suffering, not to read my author notes. So here goes… **

Chapter 4

"Jack?"

"What, Ianto?"

"I really think we should go and find her."

"There's nothing wrong with her, Ianto."

"Is Teaboy getting scared?" Owen jibed, still annoyed at having to clean the fridge out. "You don't actually believe her, do you?"

"No, it's just… She's been gone for hours, Jack. What if there really is something wrong?"

Owen rolled his eyes.

Jack glanced round the Hub and finally gave an answer. "Alright, but only because there's nothing else going on. And when we get there you're taking responsibility for us giving in and turning up, seeing as it's you she's managed to persuade." Jack paused. "Tosh? Are you coming? I need you to testify that we did this for Ianto's sake."

Tosh looked up from her final, triumphant reboot of the computer. "Ok. If I must."

"Great. Ianto, go and get the SUV ready. And bring some money – maybe we can pick up some food on the way there. And Gwen can eat her dead cat for lunch."

***

The torch flickered again. Gwen was so tired of holding it - pointing it all round her – and yet still watching those creatures inch closer and closer. She wonders why she's even bothering – after all, all she's doing is holding off the inevitable.

***

"Where is this place, anyway?" Jack asked as he turned out of the Hub's garage.

"Splott, sir. Not far." Ianto sounded less worried now they were doing something – probably helped by Tosh, Owen and Jack's nonchalant attitude to their mission.

"I am so going to punch her when we get there." Owen muttered. "I hate bloody Splott."

***

There's another option, and Gwen is almost tempted to take it. If she presses down on her broken leg hard enough she can probably be unconscious when they reach her. But that's not the Torchwood way – she'll go down fighting, and nothing else.

***

"Bleak looking place." Tosh murmured. "Look – her car's still here."

"Is she in it?" Owen asked hopefully. He had seen the size of the building.

"Nope."

"Brilliant. So she could be hiding anywhere in all that lot." Owen kicked Gwen's car as they passed.

***

They're so close now that she could smell their breath. Trying not to throw up she tried to curl her right leg further back into the corner. The torch flickered again. And again.

***

"Hello?" Ianto called up the stairs. The building seemed to swallow up his voice.

"Look," Tosh whispered. "There's her footprints." She shone her torch along the floor, illuminating a set of footprints in the dust, leading away down the corridor.

"I bet she didn't think of that." Jack laughed quietly. "There's no way she'll be able to sneak up on us."

***

Gwen dug frantically in her pockets with her spare hand, searching for anything she could throw at them. She had already tried pelting them with the bones that littered the floor near her, but they just seemed to melt away from whatever she threw in their direction. She lobbed her phone at the nearest set of orange eyes, but was rewarded only by the sound of it smashing on the cellar floor. The light of the torch started flickering again, and this time it didn't stop.

***

Ianto pointed mutely at the last doorway, with its single set of footprints. They all crowded round and peered through the open doorway.

"Shit." Owen breathed.

There was a hole halfway across the room's floor, with Gwen's gun lying abandoned beside it.

***

The light went out.

***

**Yes, that was indeed another cliff-hanger. This is why: **

**The general consensus seems to be that you don't want Gwen to die, but you don't mind her getting beaten up a bit. Or eaten, I suppose, in this case. Actually, the votes seem to be leaning towards 'severely mauled'. But this morning I realised something. I have failed to count a few of the votes. Firstly there is Gwen's vote (she's been pleading with me for the past few days to let her be rescued, almost to the extent that I would quite happily kill her to get her to give me some peace) and the team's vote etc etc… but there are also the opinions of the countless hungry shadow things in the cellar to be taken into account. So I'm afraid Gwen's fate is still hanging in the balance whilst I try to make the majority happy. **

**Further advice, pleas (not you, Gwen!) and general comments will be much appreciated, and all are taken into account. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Yet more thanks to my wonderful reviewers, who have put up with me (and my cliff-hangers!) for so long: NikkieSheepie, gurugirl, gernumblies, Ravenja70, Steph, L.A.H.H., milady dragon, ImmortalsDoItForever, thedeejay, Marian Locksley, thedarknessrevealed, Alibrandi, DoctorWhoXTorchwood and izzfrogger! **

Chapter 5

Something leapt at her out of the darkness. She swiped at it blindly with the plank of wood, the rotten piece of floorboard splintering in her hand. It backed off, but another came, and another. She tried to defend herself, lashing out with her torch as she screamed at them, but something grabbed it, wrenching it out of her grasp. Then there were jaws round her shoulder - sharp teeth digging in viciously - and another set round the end of her trouser leg. Gwen screamed with pain as she was dragged across the floor, her already-injured leg trailing behind her. The pressure on her shoulder loosened, and she struck out at them again, this time with her fists, unable to get up off the floor. But there were things climbing over her, holding her down, and she writhed in vain as more things dug their teeth into her flesh. Then all she could feel was agony everywhere as things ripped and bit and tore, her nostrils full of a smell she knew was her own blood, her eyes blinded with light as her ears filled with the sound of her own screams and gunshots and Jack shouting:

"Get her out! Get her out!"

No one said anything. They weren't sure what to say.

Gwen was lying in the back of the SUV, still shaking, with Owen bandaging up her arm. She hadn't said anything yet either, just sobbed as they had pulled her out. Jack wished that she would say something – that she would shout at them, scream at them, anything.

Ianto was the one who broke the silence. "I'm so sorry. It was my fault. I should have checked the building, I didn't know…"

"No. It's my fault." Jack broke in. "It was my stupid idea, my stupid tradition. It's only thanks to luck that this had never happened before."

"All I cared about was my computer." Tosh said softly. "I'm sorry Gwen. I should have listened."

Owen nodded curtly. He didn't even want to say how he felt. He'd seen what was left of the cat – the one he'd laughed at her about. All _he'd_ bloody cared about was having to clean out a fridge.

Gwen didn't reply. Owen wasn't surprised. If he were in her position he wouldn't want to speak to them either. He'd want to bloody kill them.

Jack broke the silence with a command all of them agreed with: "We are never, _ever_ doing this again."


	7. Chapter 7

**Ta muchly to all loyal reviewers: milady dragon, gernumblies, Ravenja70, LA.H.H., Steph, Alibrandi, specialfrancine, NikkieSheepie, thedeejay and Marian Locksley. I'm sorry the last chapter was short but that's just how it came. I'll write you a whole story about Gwen getting tortured to make up if you really want (N.B. this would be when I get to the end of my current story list). These chapters are short too, I'm afraid, but they **_**are **_**extras.**

**I've always wanted to have a go at one of these since I read through them all on Ianto's Desktop (type it in on google – it's great site!)...**

Captain's Log

Alien activity: Discovered and eliminated a small pack of seven alien 'shadow hyenas' (Ianto's name spring seems to be running dry) which was hiding out in a disused warehouse in Splott (why is it always Splott?). No idea how long they'd been there for, but it looks like they were feeding off the local wildlife, though Owen thinks he saw a human thighbone. We haven't told Gwen this yet.

Alien technology: Nothing this week.

Rift activity: Quiet, for once.

Security: April fool's day. We're never doing that again. Not so much the normal problems with unfunny jokes (although we did have to stop Tosh strangling Owen when he broke her computer) but more the fact that we ignore any distress calls we get. So we managed to trick Gwen into visiting the above mentioned warehouse then refused to believe her when she called to tell us she was trapped in a cellar with a broken leg, no weapons and a pack of hungry aliens. Luckily we got there just in time, mainly due to some weird psychic sense of Ianto's. If any future employee has a problem with this ban they can be directed right here.

Other security issues: Wind up torches would be a good idea

Staff: Gwen broke her leg falling through the floor and received several severe bites from one of the aliens. Owen tells me it that they aren't poisonous. Gwen is understandably still shaken up. Everyone else is blaming themselves for what happened, me included. I think everyone is the april fool with this one.

Other Staff issues: Owen's determined that there is a reason behind why we refused to listen to Gwen. I'm happy to let him look but I think he'll be crushed even more when he realises that there's nothing to find. This was our fault and our fault alone.

Capt. Jack Harkness.

**One more chapter, if I get time to write it. But now I need sleep! And you have to tell me whether or not that passed as Jack. **


	8. Chapter 8

**One huge last round of thanks to: milady dragon, Alibrandi, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley, L.A.H.H., Renart, gernumblies, Ravenja70 and thedeejay. **

**This extra chapter is especially for ****ImmortalsDoItForever,** **my critical critic, who rightly pointed out that Jack and the team wouldn't have held out that long on going to check that Gwen was ok. **

**Here's a report by Owen I dug out of the archives to explain why they didn't.**

Report on Cassandra effect

Author: Harper, O

Well, I can lift the blame a little bit here. Tests on the bodies we brought back from our 'warehouse clearout' and other observations found that out little shadow friends were a bit more complicated than we previously thought (also see linked report on auopsy). From what I can tell, it seems that their very presence affected Gwen somehow so that we didn't trust her. We only worked this out when Gwen went home to try and explain to Rhys, who promptly decided that she was trying to cover up the fact that Jack had attacked her (possibly says something about Rhys' opinion of you that he jumped to that conclusion, eh, Jack?). And the way that when she finally got round to speaking once we were back at the Hub to thank us we all assumed (naturally) that she was completely mad at us. Actually I think she was just relieved.

Tosh had done more tests on the remains of the creatures (full report to follow) and we've still got no idea why they had that effect. Jack's got a hunch that it might be pheromones. Good if it was – maybe we could find some way to reverse it and use it to make people trust us. God knows we could do with that.

Anyway, it does explain why we didn't twig a little earlier what was going on, though we're all still blaming ourselves for not realising and for sending her there in the first place.

What Jack's dubbed 'the Cassandra effect' (not sure what he's on about there – some thing to do with a Greek myth about a woman no-one ever believed) hasn't worn off yet, so in the end we did get a few laughs out of the whole episode – when Gwen's not there, anyway (sorry Gwen, but you have to admit that it _is_ a bit funny). Even though we keep reminding ourselves that she's not lying it sort of slips your mind as soon as she says anything. It's not had much of an effect though because she's not allowed out on missions anyway thanks to those teeth-marks, though we've all got to do her paperwork, 'cause the effect seems to stretch to written stuff. Weird. So she kind of stopped talking to us after Ianto ordered her the wrong Chinese for the fifth time and Tosh got upset because she thought Gwen was being sarky about her hair, but then Jack pointed out that she could just say the opposite thing. I knocked her coffee over yesterday and got a huge list of angry compliments (which were recorded for later, by the way, Gwen – you're going to be so embarrassed when I listen to them properly later).

We're all coping, apart from when she forgets, but I think her relationship with Rhys is suffering a little, from the sounds of things ('cause we all know what "fine" means, Gwen, even normally) – I'm guessing he keeps thinking she's rejecting him when she agrees to a kiss. Oh, and apparently last time they got into an argument she ended up swearing blind that she was cheating on him.

But it seems to be wearing off now, which is a pity.

Owen

* * *

Messages

From: Cooper, Gwen

To: Owen

Subject: your report

"I'm guessing he keeps thinking she's rejecting him when she agrees to a kiss."

You only worked that out because you thought my 'no' meant 'yes', you bastard.

And it has worn off, yes.

***

From: Harper, Owen

To: Gwen

Subject: Re: your report

What? You'd just spend five minutes screaming yourself hoarse about how fit I was. And girls' 'no's always mean 'yes'.

I don't believe you.

***

From: Cooper, Gwen

To: Owen

Subject: Re: your report

Well, that's odd, because I distinctly remember calling you every insult I know several times over. And I tend not to flirt with men who've just used my new coat to wipe alien guts off their hands.

Ha ha. Just shut up, will you?

***

From: Harper, Owen

To: Gwen

Subject: Re: your report

But I asked if I could use it as a towel and you said yes. Or no, really. But I heard it as a yes. So it was your fault.

And I'm never going to shut up about this Gwen. Not ever.

***

From: Sato, Toshiko

To: Ianto

Subject: I'm so confused!

I think it's worn off but I'm not sure. As far as I can tell, Gwen still keeps saying the opposite of what she means automatically, and now I'm never sure whether to believe her or not. And sometimes she's joking and sometimes she actually is lying…. Oh, I'm so confused!

Did she mean what she said about Owen or is she joking?

***

From: Jones, Ianto

To: Toshiko

Subject: Re: I'm so confused!

When she said she would strangle him? I think she almost means it. Have you seen what he's doing?

***

From: Toshiko Sato

To: Ianto

Subject: Re: I'm so confused!

No. What?

***

From: Ianto Jones

To: Toshiko

Subject: Re: I'm so confused!

He's following her around and asking her horrible questions. When she forgets, and lies, he takes the answer she's given, and when she does tell the truth he claims she's lying. So I don't think you're the only one who's confused right now.

Text message

Hi Rhys!

Am staying at work all night & wont b home til tomorrow morning. Dont put dinner on & if u do cook please dont make spag bol (no meat in fridge).

Hate u

Gwen

**More apologies for it not being a proper chapter – but there was only going to be one originally, so count yourselves really, really lucky. **

**And that's all for now, apart from one quick vote... Who wants me to post all my philosophy & ethics revision notes/random Torchwood fanfictions I pretend are relevant to my schoolwork? **


End file.
